Stupid Criminal Of The Day

Courtesy of NewsTimes

FAIRFIELD - It's a theft that just doesn't add up.

A man who tried to steal cash from the Dunkin' Donuts outlet on the Post Road on Monday night fled with an adding machine that he apparently mistook for a cash register.

Police said the unidentified man walked into the doughnut shop about 10:28 p.m. and handed a clerk a note stating that he had a gun and a bomb. The man's note said he would use both if he didn't get cash, police said.

The man then grabbed an adding machine, which had no cash drawers, from the counter and ran from the shop.

The thief fled in a black car, possibly a Pontiac, police said.

Contemporary Vocabulary

Contemporary Vocabulary

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Friday Pictures

Great deal!

I think I have some of those burritos already...

No comment

In The News Thursday...

Wow, they're good

At least he's up front and honest

FLUFFY!!!!

Today's Darwin Award Goes To...

5 September 1999, Jerusalem In most parts of the world, the switch away from Daylight Saving Time proceeds smoothly. But the time change raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists this year.

Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time.

At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises.

(article from www.darwinawards.com)

Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Fridge For Sale
Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it!

Drugs Are Bad, MmKay?

Drugs impair your judgment, clutter your mind and make you do stupid things. Like forget that police officers are standing five feet away from you.

One woman learned that lesson when she tried to light up a joint in front of an officer, according to the AP. A state trooper pulled a woman over for a traffic violation. When the officer walked up to the window, the driver asked if she could take a smoke break because nothing calms the nerves like the sweet taste of coughed up lung matter.

Only the smoking stick she attempted to light was a marijuana cigarette. Her excuse? She left her crack pipe at home. (Not really, but we can dream.)

The officer busted the woman for possession of paraphernalia. Too bad there isn’t a crime against violating the laws of common sense.

Bad Predictions

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would payfor a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

"Louis Pastueur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the instrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

Friday Pictures

"In The News" Thursday

I wanna go! I wanna go!!

Oh, I see...that makes sense now.

Well, I've always said "Try everything once"...

Today's Darwin Award Goes To...

(28 February 2000, Texas) A Houston man earned a succinct lesson in gun safety when he played Russian roulette with a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol. Rashaad, nineteen, was visiting friends when he announced his intention to play the deadly game. He apparently did not realize that a semiautomatic pistol, unlike a revolver, automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked. His chance of winning a round of Russian roulette was zero, as he quickly discovered.

(article from darwinawards.com)

Stupid Criminal of the Day

The photo you are looking at is not some random image of a fake badge that we pulled off of the Internet to accompany this blog post. This was actually used by the person in this story as a police badge.

Police busted a fake cop who tried to use a Chipotle gift card as a police badge, according to KRLD. He blacked out the entire card, except for the round Chipotle emblem at the top. It would have worked if the emblem didn’t have a big old chili pepper in the middle of it. I’ll bet he also had “To protect and serve burritos” painted on the side of his car.

He pulled a couple of people over and when they reported him to police, they picked him up on immigration charges. That was until he showed them a green card with a “Burger King Kids Club” logo on it.

Not So Much Stupid, But FUNNY

(Jan. 29) – The Austin, Texas, commute turned surreal this week after hackers replaced official traffic warnings on digital signs with some of their own.
"Zombies ahead! Run for your lives!" read one altered sign, according to KXAN in Austin.

"Nazi Zombies! Run!!!" warned another, according to the Austin American-Statesman.
The pranksters apparently cut the padlocks that guard the computers on each individual sign, the local media reported, and hacked the computer password. The new signs went up Monday morning.

No zombies were actually sighted. The most obvious problem seemed to be rubber-necking drivers slowing down to photograph the fright-fest warnings.

Nevertheless, officials were quick to take the hooligans to task.

"This is really serious, and it is a crime," Sara Hartley, a spokeswoman for the city Public Works Department, told KXAN.

"It's sort of amusing, but not at all helpful," said Chris Lippincott, spokesman for the state Department of Transportation, according to Fox News. The network noted that tampering with road signs is a misdemeanor crime.

The hackers didn't make fixes easy for officials, either. The Dallas Morning News reported that after changing the signs, they changed the passwords, too.

Friday's Stupid Pictures

Just in case you hadn't noticed...

I think they were trying to be sneaky...

I guess you really can't have beauty and brains afterall...

"In The News" Thursday

...it was my grandmonther's...

Mom has seemed a little lonely since Dad died...

Perfect for the large American family

(articles found at www.headlinehumor.com)

Today's Darwin Award Goes To...

(10 December 2007, Russia) As a child, Sergei promised his grandmother, "I will establish for you the elixir of immortality! I want you to live forever." As an adult, we find Sergei sitting in his college biology class, licking potassium cyanide off his palm. He had found that magic elixir. He swallowed poisons daily, to strengthen his body and protect him from death.

He regularly consumed small quantities of toxic mushrooms, arsenic, and cyanide salts, and urged others to join him. During daring night-time excursions, Sergei often said, "I shall not die. I have swallowed poison for years, and today, nothing can kill me."

After swallowing the cyanide, he began to feel ill, and asked his classmates to fetch some water. But instead of drinking plain water, he dissolved the rest of the cyanide powder in it, and consumed the solution. Sergei was an intelligent student, interested in chemistry and anatomy. He earned a gold medal, and was accepted into two universities, the Medical Academy and the Ural State University.

But Sergei's scientific premise was flawed. Instead of immortality, he had discovered the elixir of mortality. He went into convulsions, slipped into a coma, and died without regaining consciousness. His father praised Sergei as a gifted chemist who died for the sake of science.

(article found at http://darwinawards.com)

Placed in the "OMG Category"

LEXINGTON PARK, Md. - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend. The case was first reported on BayNet.com, and Saint Mary's County Public Safety sources confirmed the information to WUSA in Washington, D.C.
OAS_AD('ArticleFlex_1');

The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7, from an address on Rogers Drive. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.
The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.
County law enforcement officials who were familiar with the media report about this case said, although they were not initially called to investigate the incident, they would likely follow up to determine it was just an accident and involved consensual behavior.
(Copyright WUSA*TV, All Rights Reserved.)

And I have nothing more to say.

Tuesday's Stupid Criminals

What’s the dumbest that can give your location away to the cops?

A. A sign with an arrow pointing towards your hideout that reads “Hideout this way” that you made as a reminder so you wouldn’t forget where it is

B. Footprints made with shoes that have arrows in the soles

C. A guy in a giant arrow costume who you told where you would be in case the cops showed up

It turns out it’s none of these after two burglars got caught dragging a safe back to their hideout, according to the Fort-Myers News Press.The safe was a bit heavy, so the two had to drag it back to their hideout because hand trucks and dollies are designed to be invisible when you really need them.

Unfortunately, the safe left some “gouge” marks in the ground, so the cops followed it back to their hideout where they found more stolen goods. It’s an unlucky thing they didn’t steal any breadcrumbs or some accomplice pigeons might have helped them get away with it.

(article found at www.dumbcriminals.com)

Always Check Your Child's Homework

You may have seen this email floating around, but it's a good laugh no matter how many times you see it!

Assignment: Draw a picture showing what you want to be when you grow up.

Parent Response:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smith

Stupid Pictures

"In The News" Thursday

Only in Beverly Hills

I think someone should tell them that they throw the ball the OTHER direction

It says "Today's Birthday: Ashton Kutcher, 1978 (shown with his mother, Demi Moore)

I'm glad they never had kids...eew

(articles from The Darwin Exeption)

Today's Darwin Award Goes To...

MAN DROWNS IN KITCHEN SINK

26 May 2004, Wolfsberg, Austria The manager of an apartment house was surprised to find the legs of a corpse sticking out an apartment window. Police entered the apartment and found the deceased man's head soaking in a sink full of hot water.

Apparently the out-of-work Austrian had returned home after a night of drinking and drugs. He decided to slip in through the kitchen window. The window was fixed at the base and tilted out, giving him just enough room to squeeze his head through as far as the sink before he got stuck. While flailing around trying to escape, he turned on the hot water tap.

Police were not sure why he had not turned off the water, pulled the plug, or--perhaps most important--entered through the front door, since they found the keys in his pants pocket.

(article taken from darwinawards.com, image by Peter McDonnell)

Stupid Criminals

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into a car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to notice that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a police car.

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas: 21 year-old Langston Robins walked right past a uniformed police officer at the Metropolitan Bank and handed a robbery note to the teller. The unarmed would-be robber was arrested after a foot pursuit. Little Rock police spokesman Lt. Terry Hastings said:
“I just don’t know why he didn’t see a uniformed police officer standing basically right in front of him,” Hastings tells the Associated Press. “My guess is he’s just not the brightest of people.”

Some People Shouldnt Have Kids

Stupid School Excuses (from parents)

Misspellings have been left intact.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot

Dear school: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school he has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh!ts.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat ; her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either , sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Even Doctors Fail Sometimes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name